Last weekend, Tim and I did our registry. It wasn't the first try; it's probably more like the third. The first time was painful, because I was having a hard time articulating my vision for our lives. The last time I just gave in -- I don't like this form of gift giving, but people are going to give us gifts anyway, we might as well give them some guidance as to our tastes and preferences. Tim was amazingly supportive, reminding me of what I wanted in terms of materials (i.e. minimum of plastic and other disposable materials), and we made awesome teamwork that day.


I am going to share with you the links to our registries. Internet: Do NOT buy us any gifts. I will be extremely displeased. If you want to give us blessings, do -- letters, pictures, memories, wishes, prayers, hopes and dreams. But I am not putting this up as a Gimme, I'm putting these links up as an illustration of the struggles I'm having.

http://www.alternativegiftregistry.org/view_registry_public.php?registry_uid=2927

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/regGiftRegistry.asp?order_num=-1&wrn=-951894458

http://www3.jcpenney.com/jcp/GR2_RegistryList_View.aspx?storeRegNo=00182828&CmCatId=58824

Tim and I are now providing his very generous Aunt with a guest list for the wedding shower she's going to throw for us in May. I'm guessing that the attendance at this shower will be about 50 people -- which is about half of our guest list for the wedding. These 50 people will be obliged to, by the rules of etiquette, buy us two gifts: one for the shower, and one for the reception. Then another 50-75 people will buy us a single gift for the reception. Some of the wedding party may even buy a third gift; it's hard to say. And then whatever extravagant gesture our parents may choose to make, on TOP of bankrolling these celebrations. This means that there will probably be a presentation of about 60 gifts (Assuming 175 people, average family/party size of 3... fuzzy math.)

I am most happy with the Alternative Gift Registry. With that, we were able to list the dishes we like for a steep (40%) discount through the manufacturer, and also ask for things that really matter to us. I consider myself a story teller. I absolutely want to know the story of our families as deeply as possible -- and this is a perfect time to ask about them. The births of our children will also be a good opportunity. I hope lots of people take us up on that.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: Tim and I are trying, struggling, one step forward two steps back working on a financial plan for our lives. Attempting to declutter my space, I came across a list from our first forays into the subject. (Decluttering and simplifying being one of my values for our lives together, first of all. Also taking our STUFF off of our parent's hands.)

Twenty-Five Year Goals Based on Values
Adventure: Visit two other Continents
Fulfillment: Masters Degree; written a novel
Security: 1-3 Year Emergency Fund; Own home
Comfort: Live below our means; a not-so-big house; part of a community
Charity: Be a named donor to something, or be able to work for a good cause for free
Novelty: be a local connoisseur: wines, beers, vegetables, cheeses, restaurants
Family: Pay for part of our children's college educations/have 2-4 well educated kids; Be on good terms with our extended families
Intellectual Growth: Sailing/Skipper; Masters Degree
Health: Have good health stats without meds
Love: Still coming up with new ways to show affection

Some of these values of mine, some of them are Tim's, and in the end I think it's fair to say that we share them. Some of them may be fueled by the current recession, but some of them are lofty goals that transcend the recession and deal with being a steward of the earth -- which can be a religious concept, but is also about being a conscious consumer.

NONE of this stuff that costs money on our registry means much in terms of our values and goals for life. Yes, people want to help us get started in life -- yes, some of this stuff we "need" (Tim and I don't have a two-person adult bed yet, for example, so the bedding is particularly useful) -- but I would be perfectly happy if it came from a thrift store. If it was clean and without holes, and second hand, I would be ECSTATIC -- because it meant that it was also within our values (Which, at least for me, includes reducing our consumption impact.)

We purposefully chose not to register for any plastic storage containers. We purposefully did not register for nylon/plastic utensils. We tried to pick items that fit within our values that way -- but...

I think that, within the traditional marriage trope? I would be inconsiderate to be so picky, which is amazingly hypocritical because it is extremely picky to have a registry. I don't want stuff. There are other ways to help us set up our partnership -- our marriage. And I don't mean just gifts of money. Offers to help move us. Offers to invite us over for dinner to talk, to make sure we're not stuck in our little early marriage heads. Demands that we hold dinner parties, also to make sure we're not stuck in our little marriage heads.

Registries and the accompanying consumerism are a low emotional transaction-cost way of providing "community" in this day and age. But I want and crave a real community -- real support for our marriage, a place where we can discuss our relationship issues and not sweep them under the rug. (No, Mom and Dad -- nothing is wrong. We're not fighting about money, we're not confused about the reality of adulthood and partnerships and intimancy.)Real community, where money doesn't equal love. Where money doesn't equal support. A place where neighbors really do help each other out. Where spirituality and relationships are open and honest conversations. Where neighbors talk every day.

And we're quite possibly heading towards this scary eventuality -- what if the oil runs out? What if the economy really does seriously collapse (this is especially a possibility in Michigan). How would we cope? Cutting boards would not do me so well in that context -- but promises to share dinners then would.